Pattern in life:
Creator: Anja herself
(used with permission *GG*)
I recently discovered a very sad pattern in my life. Or maybe I should rather say, I discovered a well known pattern is still having a strong hold on me in spite that I have working with this for years and years.
I will give the whole back-ground story for this, even if it is very personal and very up-close.
When I was 4 years of age I had a bad experience with my biological father (who is now dead). My mother and father had just recently got a divorce due to his infidelity. My mother had left him while I was on "vacation" at my grandmother's and moved to another apartment only 3 numbers away, still in the same yard. When I got home I naturally did not understand why we did not still live with my father. I loved him very dearly and missed him a lot. Of what I have been told I made my mother's life a living hell because I blamed her of leaving him. First time I ever went on my own to see him without any prior agreements, he opened the door, looked at me and said: "I do not want a visit today" and then he slammed the door in my face...yes he did, the 4 year old little girl was devastated.
Of course my mother got all the blame no matter what she did I was not to be comforted that day, my whole world was falling to pieces and there was nothing she could do about it. And for what I discovered today, 27 years later, she did not do me any good at that time in my life, or in the 16 years ahead it took me to get over my biological father's rejection of me. (Which happens more than once over the years, but to tell it all would be a self-bio, which I am not interested in writing, hehe at least not tonight :-)
What my mother did the first time and all the times to follow, was to take the blame personal. Mother's don't EVER do that! After she had been hurt by all my 4-year-old "I hate you" cries, she started to believe it. Believing that I hated her made her "not-love" me to the fullest. A base of conditional love was grounded and is following me to this day forth.
My pattern today which I am currently working is 3 issues of 1 story:
-
I do this to my own daughters!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I do not want that.
-
I have a "non-existing-realm" I sort of sent people to that have hurt my feelings - I want to learn how to deal with them instead of putting them in exile.
-
And last I do not know how to receive love and critique, because love and critique in my childhood was conditional and something to put blame on, I want to be able to love and receive love unconditional and truly believe that critique is a positive opportunity to change for the better.
But how am I to even start on this work, where ? I thought about it for a while and decided to do a spread for it.
How to change a well known pattern in life that seems incomprehensible.
The spread ended up looking like this:
|
8 |
|
2 |
|
||||
|
9 |
|
7 |
|
1 |
|
3 |
|
|
ME |
|||||||
|
6 |
|
4 |
|
10 |
|
12 |
|
|
5 |
|
11 |
|
|
Card ME |
Who am I? what are my
character/behavior/pattern? |
|
Card 1+2+3: |
What is my own in this?
What am I doing/ not doing to hold this pattern alive? |
|
Card 4+5+6: |
What are my possibilities
to change the pattern? |
|
Card 7+8+9: |
What is hindering me in
changing the patterns? |
|
Card 10+11+12: |
What guidance can I get in how to start this process? |
Who said working within is any fun ?!?
The reading can be found in Journal
